
	Friday Fax A Weekly Summary of Polywater^® News of Incredible Importance

Issue #852

"Know Thine Enemy" is a famous quote often attributed to Sun Tzu, the renowned Chinese military strategist and author of "The Art of War", circa ~500 B.C. His ancient advice is still valid today. To know an enemy one must know where he lives. This map depicts the North American habitat range of a potential enemy. If you sell in this region, he is your enemy. Do you know him?

The enemy is Hylatomus Pileatus, aka, Dryocopus Pileatus, aka, Pileated Woodpecker, alias, "Woody Woodpecker." He relentlessly drills holes in utility poles throughout the region shown. The damage he causes must be repaired with UPR Utility Pole Repair. Even if your region isn't represented on the map, your customers may be at risk. The Pileated is only the most prolific and well-known lumberjack, but there are many other perps:

Black-backed Woodpecker
Three-toed Woodpecker
Downy Woodpecker
Hairy Woodpecker
White-headed Woodpecker
Red-headed Woodpecker
Red-bellied Woodpecker
Red-cockaded Woodpecker
Acorn Woodpecker
Arizona Woodpecker
Gila Woodpecker
Golden-fronted Woodpecker
Ladder-backed Woodpecker
Lewis's Woodpecker
Nuttall's Woodpecker
Northern Flicker

And don't count out the illusive Ivory-billed Woodpecker, considered extinct but still receiving unconfirmed sightings. These various species peck holes for a variety of reasons: to search for food, to create nests, to communicate (drumming), to create storage cavities (for acorns, etc.), and to increase utility rates. Because feeding, nesting, breeding, and migratory habits vary by species, it's hard to generalize about the timing and nature of specific damage. But your customers may know; they may have witnessed it. A few pointed questions and 5 minutes on Wikipedia can arm you with some basic information ... which matters because:

If you can engage your customers in an intelligent discussion about the specific identity and behavioral patterns of the birds causing their pole damage, you're in a much stronger position to be regarded as a credible source for a remedy. Sun Tzu would have sold the heck out of UPR.

The Friday Fax Editor's Joke of the Week

The Joke

Almost Cliché. A California woman went to a supermarket for some groceries on a hot day. Later, several people noticed her sitting in her car in the parking lot with the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed and she had both hands behind the back of her head. A customer who'd been observing her for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that her eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and the woman said no; that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called 911. The police broke into her car because the doors were locked and she refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that she had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She'd initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, she was blonde.

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American Polywater Corporation -- The world's leading manufacturer of cable pulling lubricants, cable cleaners, sealants, and MRO & construction chemicals.
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