The Joke |
|
How to Give a Pet a Pill. CAT:
1) Cradle the cat in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in other hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for later gluing.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and have spouse lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply first aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cleanser.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard. Close door onto neck. Leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
13) Take last pill from foil wrap. With pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dinner table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to order hamster.
DOG:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
2) Toss it in the air.
3) Done. |
