The Joke |
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Anniversary Gift. Out shopping, I find the 100,000-volt Pocket Tazer Stun Gun. The gift of safety for a petite wife? Perfect--I buy it. Taking only two AAA batteries, I decide to test it on a live target before relying on it to protect my wife against muggers. Home alone in shorts, I sat with my reading glasses on my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other. The directions said to use a one-second burst to disorient an assailant; two seconds for muscle spasms and loss of bodily control; and three seconds to make attackers drop and do the crappie. I'm thinking, "This little thing?" I considered the cat. No, better not. What happened next is almost beyond description. I decided to give myself a one-second burst. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF WMDs! It was like Hulk Hogan picked me up and body slammed me over and over again. I vaguely recall waking in the fetal position, teary-eyed, sweat-soaked, legs tingling, nipples afire, private parts missing, with an arm tucked under me in an odd position! The terrified cat was making a sound I'd never heard before, clinging to a picture frame over the fireplace. Here's the problem: there's no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You can't let go until it's dislodged by your own violent thrashing! I collected my fried wits and sat up to survey the damage. My bent glasses were on the mantel near the cat. My recliner was upside down, eight feet away. My triceps, thighs, and nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was full of Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I was drooling uncontrollably. I saw a puff of smoke above my head, presumably from my hair. Later, after the numbness waned and my sense of smell returned, I learned that I'd soiled my shorts. Thankfully, my privates eventually descended again, and my wife loves the gift (and hearing about my experience). She threatens me with it regularly! |
